i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
