omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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