He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
