he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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