Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
