mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
