It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
