Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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