So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
