do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
