He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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