I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Panties = found
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
