I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
