dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
