Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
