Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
