2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
