I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
