just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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