You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
