If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
