Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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