before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
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She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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