Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
