They should really pass out barf bags in church
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
