Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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