I think i sorta joined a cult last night
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
