Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
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you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
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Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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