ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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