I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
