i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
