We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
