I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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