Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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