i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
