She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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