U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
