you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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