My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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