i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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