You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
