one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
