I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
