Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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