i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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