did you get engaged???
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
