stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
