D3 body, D1 cock
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
