It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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