I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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