A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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