you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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