i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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