my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
