Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
